"Dear Friend"

I don't know why, pero parang isinumpa na talaga ako na lahat ng itinuturuing kong sobrang mahalaga sakin e at some point in time e mawawala na lang sakin..

Si Candy. I thought sya na yung papalit kay Lohne (my 'dead' bestfriend); umabot pa nga na i dedicated a whole blog post for her. (see previous post) Pero ayun...

Medyo napapansin ko na din naman lately eh. Hindi na katulad ng dati na halos magdamag kaming magkachat, as in inaabot pa ng madaling araw..

She knows a lot about me, and I know a lot about her -- as in kahit yung stuff na hindi dapat malaman alam na namin both sa isa't isa.

Clingy ako eh. Mabilis at sobra akong ma-attach sa isang tao na alam kong makakasundo ko. And the thing is, bihira sila.

Lately, ayun, umaabot ng three or four days na wala kaming communication. I guess it should be okay,i mean, c'mon, hindi naman kami (and we both know na mahal na mahal nya ang bf nya), pero, ..

She's the only one i had. Si Len (my ex-wife), yeah, andyan pa din naman sya, pero, seriously? And sina parents, i know they will always be there for me; even si AJ syempre palagi din andyan... pero, iba eh..iba talaga..

Yesterday binati ko sya kasi birthday nya, and i mentioned something na... i know never naman nya ako inacknowledge as her bestfriend, pero i will always consider her as my bestfriend  pa din... I said that para at least maconfirm ko kung ano ba talaga ako sa kanya. I was expecting something along the lines of "no,anu barn, you are indeed my bestfriend, or at least one of my bestfriends!"

Pero,..

Here it goes...

Nope, hindi nya nga ako bestfriend. And worse?...

..ako daw eh..

"Dear Friend" lang nya...

I felt so pathetic, desperate, and humiliated -- but most of all, nasaktan ako. Damn, bestfriend na nga lang yung hinahanap ko; hinding hindi na ko maghahanap ng girlfriend o ng asawa, hindi pa maibigay? :'(

So, all this time na kung anu ano na sineshare namin sa isa't isa, all this time na i was always there for her pag hindi nya mahagilap ang bestfriend nyang girl or yung boyfriend nya, all this time na I LOOKED UP to her and treated her as my closest sister that i never had?...

..wala lang pala yun? so i'm guessing ganyan ka lang talaga sa lahat ng friends mo? :'(

Nagbago ako. And this time i CHANGED FOR THE BETTER. Dahil lang sa kanya. Everytime that nagkwkwento ako sa kanya ng something nega, everytime na gusto kong gumawa ng masama sa kapwa ko -- like i always did...

...andun sya para pigilan ako. And hindi lang basta basta pigilan eh.. andun sya para pigilan ako,stating the reason kung bakit nya ako pinipigilan.

And strangely (rather thankfully) enough, SA KANYA lang ako nakinig at naniwala. Seriously, i'm over 200% different than the JC everyone knew before dahil lang sa kanya.

Pero ayun, i was ONLY a "DEAR FRIEND".

I was so proud of her. Kahit sinong makipagchat sakin, and napapansin nila kung gaano na ako "kabait" ngayon? I will always tell her na "It's all because of my bestfriend, Candy. Siya lang ang nakapagpabago sakin ng ganito." and they will reply na "if only alam ko lang na ang Candy na yan ang makakapagpabago sayo, matagal ko na siya sinundo at dinala sayo" or "sana matagal mo na nakilala ang Candy na yan."

*sigh.

Call me emo, but i'm crying right now. Lately, lahat na lang ng ginagawa kong mabuti, ang isinusukli sakin is doble dobleng negative stuff. Sadya bang ganun?

I feel so alone again... :'(

Kung hanggang ngayon hindi pa din tapos ang karma sa mga pinag-gagawa kong kalokohan before, ...okay. I understand. Tanggap ko...

Because a "dear friend" once told me that everything happens for a reason; and that i should stay positive no matter what.