..alive, still!

Still alive and kicking.

Akalain mo, last post ko pala dito was September pa. -_-

Nothing much...'cept for the fact that yeah, Candy's influence is still alive in me (let's just say na 'di na dapat "Devil" yung nakalagay sa title ng blog :) ). Thank you.

Speaking of Candy, there's still this teeny tiny ray of hope na patawarin pa nya ako sa ka-o.a. -yan ko. Basta sabi nya don't push it muna. Sige. I'll be here waiting. I've already told you this kahapon, Candy, but eto... I'M SORRY, I NEED YOU.

With that said, kahit yung mga palagi kong inaaway-away palagi before, i am trying my very best na makipag ayos na. Case in point: si Stella, my ex. She's happy with a new bf, and i think we're okay naman dapat. BUT. Just today eto blocked na naman ako for some unknown reason. UPDATE: Nevermind, her bf blocked me. Pero at least may communication pa din kami somehow. Heh heh heh. :D

On a lighter side, i've been into cooking and baking, all thanks to a certain someone. Even though i've given up on you kasi narealize ko na waley pa din akong maipapagmalaki sayo and that palagi naman akong 'seenzoned' sayo, i'm still gonna resume this new additional passion of mine. I actually created a blog all about it; pero it's too early pa to show right now.

Oh well, ayun lang. Uber busy lately dahil nagpatung patong ang mga freelance tasks; but..keri ko to! Kelangan ko ng pang-sustento sa new passion ko! Hehehe.

"Dear Friend"

I don't know why, pero parang isinumpa na talaga ako na lahat ng itinuturuing kong sobrang mahalaga sakin e at some point in time e mawawala na lang sakin..

Si Candy. I thought sya na yung papalit kay Lohne (my 'dead' bestfriend); umabot pa nga na i dedicated a whole blog post for her. (see previous post) Pero ayun...

Medyo napapansin ko na din naman lately eh. Hindi na katulad ng dati na halos magdamag kaming magkachat, as in inaabot pa ng madaling araw..

She knows a lot about me, and I know a lot about her -- as in kahit yung stuff na hindi dapat malaman alam na namin both sa isa't isa.

Clingy ako eh. Mabilis at sobra akong ma-attach sa isang tao na alam kong makakasundo ko. And the thing is, bihira sila.

Lately, ayun, umaabot ng three or four days na wala kaming communication. I guess it should be okay,i mean, c'mon, hindi naman kami (and we both know na mahal na mahal nya ang bf nya), pero, ..

She's the only one i had. Si Len (my ex-wife), yeah, andyan pa din naman sya, pero, seriously? And sina parents, i know they will always be there for me; even si AJ syempre palagi din andyan... pero, iba eh..iba talaga..

Yesterday binati ko sya kasi birthday nya, and i mentioned something na... i know never naman nya ako inacknowledge as her bestfriend, pero i will always consider her as my bestfriend  pa din... I said that para at least maconfirm ko kung ano ba talaga ako sa kanya. I was expecting something along the lines of "no,anu barn, you are indeed my bestfriend, or at least one of my bestfriends!"

Pero,..

Here it goes...

Nope, hindi nya nga ako bestfriend. And worse?...

..ako daw eh..

"Dear Friend" lang nya...

I felt so pathetic, desperate, and humiliated -- but most of all, nasaktan ako. Damn, bestfriend na nga lang yung hinahanap ko; hinding hindi na ko maghahanap ng girlfriend o ng asawa, hindi pa maibigay? :'(

So, all this time na kung anu ano na sineshare namin sa isa't isa, all this time na i was always there for her pag hindi nya mahagilap ang bestfriend nyang girl or yung boyfriend nya, all this time na I LOOKED UP to her and treated her as my closest sister that i never had?...

..wala lang pala yun? so i'm guessing ganyan ka lang talaga sa lahat ng friends mo? :'(

Nagbago ako. And this time i CHANGED FOR THE BETTER. Dahil lang sa kanya. Everytime that nagkwkwento ako sa kanya ng something nega, everytime na gusto kong gumawa ng masama sa kapwa ko -- like i always did...

...andun sya para pigilan ako. And hindi lang basta basta pigilan eh.. andun sya para pigilan ako,stating the reason kung bakit nya ako pinipigilan.

And strangely (rather thankfully) enough, SA KANYA lang ako nakinig at naniwala. Seriously, i'm over 200% different than the JC everyone knew before dahil lang sa kanya.

Pero ayun, i was ONLY a "DEAR FRIEND".

I was so proud of her. Kahit sinong makipagchat sakin, and napapansin nila kung gaano na ako "kabait" ngayon? I will always tell her na "It's all because of my bestfriend, Candy. Siya lang ang nakapagpabago sakin ng ganito." and they will reply na "if only alam ko lang na ang Candy na yan ang makakapagpabago sayo, matagal ko na siya sinundo at dinala sayo" or "sana matagal mo na nakilala ang Candy na yan."

*sigh.

Call me emo, but i'm crying right now. Lately, lahat na lang ng ginagawa kong mabuti, ang isinusukli sakin is doble dobleng negative stuff. Sadya bang ganun?

I feel so alone again... :'(

Kung hanggang ngayon hindi pa din tapos ang karma sa mga pinag-gagawa kong kalokohan before, ...okay. I understand. Tanggap ko...

Because a "dear friend" once told me that everything happens for a reason; and that i should stay positive no matter what.

:)

Hehe, this post will overshadow the fact that i am now jobless. Wala, intro lang.

It was way back in October or November. I was newly hired by another game development company (while at the same time working for another game dev company. hehe, kahit saan talaga traydor ako.).

Anyway. My boss in that said company invited me to a chat conference, and it was there that i met... HER.

Her name is Candy. I wouldn't say her last name; but, let's just say ka-apelyido nya si "Maya". Bahala na kayo mag interpret. I got uber curious about this girl; for the fact na ang position nya is a game designer. Anong nakakagulat dun? Well, kapag game designer ka, matalino and creative ka.

Matalino and creative? My kind of girl.

Being an accomplished stalker that i am(hehe, proud pa talaga), i googled her. I found a couple or so results, pero i wasn't convinced na sya yun. After like a week of searching (joke, mga ilang oras lang), oh well, what the hell, i-chat ko na lang. :P

Buti na lang i did.

At first, okay naman, typical acquaintance talk. I told her some stuff about me, and in turn, sinabi din nya yung mga current na nangyayari sa buhay nya. Then after a few days, *I THOUGHT* close na kami; and basta ka-close ko  ang girl, automatically inlove na din ako. jusko.

I told her just that, and whaddya now, basted ako (jeez, may gumagamit pa ba ng 'basted'? dapat pala 'friendzoned'). Umabot pa nga sa point na todo drama ako and i wanted to commit suicide (hahaha, tanga lang). But anyway, after a few days, okay na ulet kami. And dun na nagsimula.

Nagsimula ang ano? Kala nyo kung ano,noh? Hahahahahahahahahaha,no.

Dun nagsimula yung pagiging bestfriends namin.

Now,typically, eto yung kinahihinatnan nung mga basted, pero, ewan,iba 'to. Kasi after my brother 'died', i've never really met someone na papalit sa kanya. Well,oo, dumating sa phase na yung ex ko e naging bestfriend ko afterwards (yeah Tilay, ikaw yun), na kinonsider ko pa ngang official na pumalit sa kapatid ko... pero, ayun, wala eh. Di talaga kami magkasundo. Maya't maya may pinag-aawayan.

Pero si Candy? ..well, ..ang masasabi ko lang is.. "finally."

Alam na nya lahat lahat ng nangyayari sa napakagulong buhay ko, and, not surprisingly, alam ko din ang mga nangyayari sa buhay nya. At first akala ko hanggang dun na lang yung closeness namin eh....

Yun pala...

....hanggang dun na lang nga.heh heh heh.

..chos. read on..

So, ayun, right now, i feel very, very, very happy kapag kausap ko sya. We talk about random shit most of the time, pero sympre madalas din namin pag usapan yung mga seryosong stuff; and even though minsan magkaiba kami ng opinyon sa mga bagay bagay (sa religion,specifically), di kami basta-basta nag aaway. We talk about it until okay na. And ayun, balik topak na ulet.

Basta may problem ako, hanapin ko lang sya, and i feel a whole lot better after namin mag usap. And in turn, isang "HOY" or "oist" or "psssst" lang nya, andun ako para makinig sa mga probs nya.

And the weird part is, wala akong nararamdaman para sa kanya. Seriously. Totally. Wala talaga.

...Astig.

So yeah, to you, yes you -- my "m'lady", my "bastard" (well,actually di ko pa sya natatawag ng ganito; pero sya din kasi nag bring up nyan as a male counterpart dun sa tawag nya sakin na "bitch"), my.. "dilat". Thank you for being there for me as my "best budd evAr". Siguro patay na ko ngayon kung wala ka sa buhay ko. (and actually, agree sya dyan.) :))

I will always and forever be your "bitch".. your..."fag"...your "bading"...and your... "manwhore".. (hahaha tawagan lang po ito, wala po ibig sabihin)..Basta,wag na wag kang mawawala. kahit pa mag-asawa ka na. And ako pala. Pero imposible na.hahaha.

I remember telling you that "you're like me but with a moral code intact".. and yeah, i'll stick with that,sorry :P

Pero dadagdagan ko:

"Dilat, you're like me, but with a moral code intact -- which makes me a better man every single day." 

...wag ka na magrereact. pabayaan mo 'ko :))

Semi-related comic. And oh, she didn't like the fact na ang ikli ikli nung suot nyang blazer dyan. Sorry naman.hahaha.

The dream.

Last night i dreamed about being a ghost; specifically, a ghost who traveled back in the past. Eto yung year/era na bata pa 'ko; as in, around 8 to 12 years old ako? Pero yung isip ko at mga experiences ko until the present time was still intact.

And guess what? Ang pinakaunang gusto kong gawin sa dream ko was to write a letter to my future ex-wife saying na:

"Kapag nararamdaman mong nagloloko ang asawa mo, please, wag na wag na wag kang bibitaw. Kasi in time bigla syang magtitino, and babawi sya sa lahat ng nagawa nya..."

Dreams, according to studies, are part-mystery, part-scientific. Scientific kasi, eto daw yung way para masilip natin kung ano talaga yung totoong nasa subconscious natin; kung ano yung nararamdaman natin kapag gising tayo pero pinipilit nating itago. Mystery, kasi may mga chances that it predicts the future.

In my case, oo, it's accurate -- both in the mystery part and the scientific part. Yun nga lang, bumitaw sya.

Oh yeah, and i woke up crying.

Sikat na ko! .. Well, sort of. -_-

Damn.

But first, this (click on the image to enlarge):

Okay, so i posted this one in FB, right? Then one certain individual na i think naghahanap talaga ng away e tinag yung kakilala nya which in turn e magaling sa vector art. Then boom. Dun na nagsimula.

The comic spread like wildfire. >_<

Kumalat na sya sa kung saan saan; it gained notoriety. May mga automatically naging hater ko and madami dami din naman na sumuporta sa akin. In as little as ONE HOUR.

Sobrang daming discussion, arguments, bangayan ang nangyari sa Facebook afterwards; akala ko nga di ko kakayanin eh. I mean, i just created a comic strip that were NOT supposed to be taken seriously and then ayun, apparently balat sibuyas pala sila.

Jeez. That's just a comic; even more, it's a HUMOR comic. I really, really expected na yung mga OPEN MINDED individuals e maiintindihan ang fact na yun. It's not about ME hating vector art. Hindi dapat binabasa yan "per panel" per se, but dapat iniintindi from START to FINISH. E sabagay, ang mga pinoy kasi, magaling sa pagiging O.A.  kahit hindi pa alam yung buong story.

So ang nangyari dyan:

Some vector dude: (reads the FIRST panel) ..watda!? my feelings are hurt! i don't care about the REST of the comic kasi nasaktan na ko sa una pa lang! magrereact na ko ng todo! gusto ko mang awaaaaay!! graaaahhhh!!

..or something like that.

Pero the thing is, kung babasahin mong mabuti yung buong comic, the main character is even GUILTY of tracing images din. And that's the POINT of the WHOLE COMIC STRIP. That's the PUNCHLINE. Hindi yung fact na nagttrace ng images ang vector artist.

But like i said, mga PINOY nagbabasa eh. malamang todo react agad.

And yeah,my point yung isang close friend ko, na isang aspiring vector artist din. Sabi nya,kung alam naman nya sa sarili nya na magaling sya, hindi sya masasaktan at magagalit and instead mas pagbubutihin pa nya. I salute you Domz Luna.

And finally, symperds, may say dyan ang aking "best budd forevah" na si Candy, na nagsabing:

"i am only responsible for what i say, not for what you understand"

Oha, lumiit pa yung font. Hehe. but anyway, aside from them andami din naman nag encourage saken na wag masyado ma-guilty at mag alala sa ginawa ko. And for that,thanks.

But anyway, i made peace with the Vector dudes. Okay, that's the last comic strip na tinitira ko kayo. Sa sunod iba naman, hehe. But hey at least hindi na kayo. Basta, sorry! Wag kayo magpapaapekto sa isang hamak na comic strip kasi mas kilala nyo ang sarili nyo!

People, this is freedom of speech, this is freedom of expression. Sana maintindihan nyo. :)

Bumabalik ata yung Ulcer ko dahil nito. Deymn.